Beefpatty's Mental De-bug

A good friend

2006-09-12T20:23:00.000-02:30

I had a few really great conversations with a good friend of mine last night, and I have never felt better because of it. We talked for hours -well into the night and morning- about anything and everything. It was the first 'real-friend' connection that I havn't felt since I was a kid, and although I do have close friends and many aquintances, who I enjoy being around, I never had an experience like this in a long time.

And I've only known this person for a year! Even then, we hardly ever sat around and talked.

I find it funny. Here I have built a wall around me, where not a single person knows who I actually am -Not even my long-term friends or family- and a this person sat there and and saw right through me, as if we had been best friends for years. At first it was a bit overwhelming. Some claim to know me; and indeed they do, to an extent, but not like this.

It was actually nice to know that someone out there knows me.

I never really made a point to build an emotional wall around me, but most of us do it; even if we think we don't. It was never anything of concern for me, and it never really kept me from having a good time. I just liked it that way. I like to keep my social life seperate from my personal life.

Blah blah blah...

2006-09-05T20:44:00.000-02:30

Ill start this blog with an intoduction to one of my favorite photos in my portfolio. With the help of Sophie throwing the dice on the board, I snapped a dozen or so pictures and decided on this one for a contest I was entering. As it turned out, it didn't portray the theme of "Play" -Which they explained had to have some sort of action. It seemed funny to me that the admin who hosted this contest, and subsequently disqualified my picture, was the same admin who held a grudge against me for my counter-arguement in a debate he held earlier in the year.
Isn't that the point of a debate; To argue?
*Shrug*
I guess since I am but a former highschool student -and nothing more- his post-secondary schooled brain is far superior to mine in all ways. And afterall, he is an admin.

Where was I?
So, the picture did not show any action; Apparently no movement caught. Although, if you look at the figures in the background and the fact the dice are in mid-bounce (Dice just can't balance like that) you would notice there is much movement there.

Curious then, isn't it? :p

The other admin apologized shortly after the submissions had been halted for voting. Nice of them, I guess, but it was kinda too late.

Anyway, on to my Blog.
I'm at work again tonight,
yadda yadda...
Looking for a bit of direction...
blah blah blah...
In any case, I love Crispers.

Directions

2006-08-12T04:15:00.000-02:30

Another day, another picture, a whole lot of decisions to be made and stress to the max. I've been looking for a career for the past few years now, and I just can't come to an agreement with myself about any of my decisions. One week I wan't to be a photographer, the next I want to be a cop. The following week I want to join the Canadian Armed Forces! I really need some direction in my life for the sake of my sanity, and i'm not sure where I should be looking!
There has been a job posting at work this week for a position in management, and it seems like a perfect opportunity to at least advance myself in my current situation, but i'm really not sure if this is something I can attain, or if I want the responsibility. Granted, if I decided to apply, and I got the position, I know I could do some good for the company. I have the mindset, and the ideas to back it up. I know what I want, and where I would like to head with it. The question is; Do I want to take it on? Do I have a chance to get in there?
I hate to doubt myself, but it seems like this call center is against me, and not in the sense of personal desputes, but in an inanimate sense. I feel like the center itself is conspiring against me -as weird as it sounds. Things just seem to happen; Maybe a bad line where I end up sounding like I don't know what im talking about, the caller is the type to complain to management and on the recording the call sounds perfectly clear! Or otherwise, ill genuinly get sick during a shift where the other HSR is sick, and for some reason, the nurses complain about my attendance, where if you look at my sick calls I have (at most) 6 sick days in the past 2 years! Thats better then most in the call center.
Then there is my big complaint about the place; It seems like I can't do anything in my free time without getting complaints, while other HSR's can chat on MSN (a BIG no-no here), show up late to work, take extra long breaks and call in sick 3 to 4 times a month. I read a book late at night when I absolutly have nothing else to do but wait for incoming calls, and I get resentment from the nurses who are constantly talking to patients.
I wish I could totally change this place around in this sense, and bring to the table all the things wrong about the rumors thats been flying around. There needs to be a close tie between management and its staff, and it seems like I have no one in the center to go to about these problems.
They were right in opening this new postion.
I should apply.

Slacker and invisionary

2006-08-01T19:14:00.000-02:30

It's been a few days since my last blog but i've had a week of hard drinking, and parties.

Yeah, so i've been slacking, but I have been taking a few pictures; something i've been meaning to do for a while now. I felt like I have been neglecting my camera lately, and it was a good feeling to snap a few peaceful shots at this waterfall off the highway in manuels.
I've wanted to try out this technique for a while, although I feel I could have definatly gotten a better picture than this if I had had my tri-pod. The reason being, that due to camera shake, I couldn't overexpose it long enough, but with my tripod I could have overexposed it to the point at which the falling water would be less streaked and more fluent.
Maybe ill remember it for next time.

Anyway, life is treating me to both shit and pie. I've been dicked around a bit, but i've also been having my fun, so it evens out I guess. I try not to look at the negative, but I've noticed that when I do neglect the crap and move on, I end up ignoring stuff that I probably shouldn't. There are so many things that I have to do, yet my lack of money is holding me back. Is it money, or my choices? Both maybe?
*Shrug*
I need to think of other ways to make a bit of extra cash, without cutting too deep into my social life and hobbies. Maybe I could do something with my camera, but I really don't have the confidence to promote myself. Plus, I need a website, and that costs money. Damn this cycle! Maybe I should start up underground cockfighting. Ill dress the roosters in boxing shorts, and little helmets. They'll strut around in their corner with little bathrobes and ill have a little bell n' shit.
Too bad its illegal

Time management

2006-07-18T20:17:00.000-02:30

I've been having trouble managing my time as of late. I had to make a few difficult choices over the past month or so in order to live my time as best as I could, but I don't know if I like leaving things out.
I think the problem lies in my boredom. No matter how much I may love something, I tend to get bored of it quickly and move on to something else. It would explain why I am a Jack of all trades, but master of none -Sorry for the cliché reference-. One week ill dedicate mostly to playing a video game, the next week ill play guitar or maybe get drunk every second night. I never stick to one thing.
I see people getting good at one thing, and I can define them as such. "The-guy-who-kicks-ass-at-drums" or "The-chick-who-will-revolutionize-thought" and so on. I can define everyone else but me! Maybe its because i'm seeing everything in the first person, and it takes an outside influence to determine what kind of person I am. We are our own worst critic -Sorry again-.

Who knows.
Maybe ill find something for me. Maybe i'm happy the way I am now. Maybe ill always be "the-guy-who-is-always-doing-something-different-and-keeping-his-life-fresh-and-new".
Whatever keeps me sane I guess.

The right point-of-view?

2006-07-11T19:47:00.000-02:30

I love my parents, but I find that there seems to be some tension between my father and I. He is normally a really nice guy, who has his beliefs and seems to take most things in stride. I respect and support him, but I can't help feeling that we are two totally different people whos personalities clash. There is one thing that we have in common, and thats the ability to forgive and forget. I let things go, and so does he and in this retrospect I can see how we were able to cope with each other over the years.
My father is a respected ex-cop who grew up in a poor fishing town called Pouch Cove where roughly 50 families resided. This made it so that nothing could be done without everyone knowing about it, and having such close ties to their community made rumers flow across town like a ocean swell. He lived in a life of constant scrutiny, where each family had to maintain an image of perfection in order to hold onto whatever social status the family had. Because of this, he was raised with high expectations to represent his sirname in everything he did.
The thing that bothers me most is the fact that he has such high expectations and regards me as a better person then everyone else my age. Everyone has problems, but the Hudson's! Now, i'm not saying that this is a horrible thing -its probably even a good way to think- I just wish he was a little less ignorant to the things around him. Having said that, maybe making assumptions through ignorance is better than overthinking, analizing, backtracking, and weighing the pros and cons only to find out a month down the road, that your current views on "right and wrong" are way different. Sometimes its just easier to stick to a belief, ignorant or not. In the end, our views will be ignorant anyway. Its all so confusing! Will I end up like him? In the end, will I have the same views as my father? Will my son look at me as an ignorant jerk?

My first blog

2006-07-09T03:38:00.000-02:30

Sometimes I wish life was a little more simple, but then, it can be if I really wanted it. I guess its the choices I made along the way that got out of hand somewhere between the end of high school and jumping on a plane to live in Toronto with my girlfriend. We make life out to be what it is, and it can be pretty much whatever you want it to be.
And right now, I think ill prune a few brown leaves out of my life and hopefully get a bit of a break from some of this crap.

But anyway, the picture in this post is one I took about year ago in my hometown. Its probably my favorite out of my portfolio. The zig-zag patter in the clouds that evening was amazing, and I just had to get a picture of it.

I absolutely love sunsets.

There is something about them that makes it so intoxicating, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe its because its that time when everything finally slows down and all the busy people who rush all day long retire into their homes to leave me to the quiet, cool night air. Its my reminder that life can be a simple thing, that all I have to do is pay attention and take my time.

Life is not all that different from a sunset. They are both beautiful but often ignored in our constant rush. Its our final, desperate reminder to enjoy the show before it gets dark.

Maybe I just like all the shades and colors.